Decisions. That’s what life is made up of. Each day we decided when to get out of bed, what we will be eating for breakfast, our plans for the day, who we will see, what we will be doing, and what will be our plans for tomorrow. But how do we make decisions for our future? As a christian God is deeply involved in my daily and lifelong decisions, but what if his opinion isn’t as clear as I wish it would be, then what?
It’s been a little over two years since Richard and I have been trying to conceive (TTC). That’s 48 months, 730 days, 104 weeks, and 17,520 hours of praying, crying, and hoping for a little “you.” Doctor appointments were made, treatments were done, and loads of money was spent, and still no baby. Due to the expenses of infertility treatments TTC medically was put to a halt, answer were put off, but the trying never stopped.
About a month ago I was accepted into the School of Nursing at James Madison University. To say that I was happy is an understatement of the joy that filled my heart. Along with the excitement came a mixture of emotions; Richard and I had been TTC for a long time and I had worked long and hard for over 3 years to finally begin my nursing education, but I had also wanted to be a mother so badly. So, how do you decide to put off a dream you’ve been so earnestly waiting for in hopes that it’ll come after you’ve finished your education? The answer is you don’t, at least not in that moment. My mind was and is flooded with questions: what if we stop trying for the next two years of nursing school, but we find out later that our chances for becoming pregnant closed during that time, or what if we hadn’t stopped trying and became pregnant during those years? Would I regret having the baby and not finishing my degree, or would I finish my degree, and enroll my child in a daycare and miss out on the first year of their life?
I still have yet to answer these questions, and I’ll be starting the program in the fall. Richard and I have prayed for answers, but have never really felt a pull in one direction compared to another, so how do you decide? I know Heavenly Father has a plan for my family and I know that he answers prayers because he’s answered mine before, but sometimes Heavenly Father’s answers come in pure silence. Now, what does that silence mean, I have no idea, but what I do know is that in due time that silence will flourish into meaningful answers, and in the meantime all I can do is wait at the crossroads.